Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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