You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
