he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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