I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
