Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
