I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
