Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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