trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
