tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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