Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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