They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
