R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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