Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
