I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
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