i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
