the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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