its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
