I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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