wakey wakey hands off snakey
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
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