OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
