i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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