i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
