Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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