I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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