he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
