Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
