last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize