thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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