well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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