Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
