I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I love having hate sex.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
