The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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