for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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