I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
