tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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