Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
