You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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