I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
