Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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