if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize