I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
