girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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