I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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