Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
