i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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