My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
