hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
