Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
