I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
