So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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