Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
only you would photoshop your dick
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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