picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Alive.
So much puke
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
