I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
