Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
did i walk over a car last night?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
