come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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