***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
