There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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