Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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