NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
