We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
