Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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