i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
