the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
