You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
