she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize